I read a lot of blogs but there are a few in which I feel like I know the author. Oh Amanda is one, and FIzzledink is another.
Fizzledink posted on Monday about a lot of things, including her husband and his role in their family. I commented on that post, and she wrote a post just to respond to my comment. This post is a response to that post. We’re having an inter-blog conversation and if you follow all of those links, you’ll be caught up and know what the heck I’m going on about. Join in the conversation. We’re having a public discussion because all of us women are struggling with these same issues.
I think the key here is this question:
Which is the greater need – that need for perfect submission, or that need for setting a godly example for a child?
These are not two choices. In the marriage covenant, God has given us clearly defined roles. By being faithful to our biblically defined roles, we are setting a godly example for our children. Children learn what they see. We can tell them all day long that men are to lead and women are to submit, but if they see something different, the words will be meaningless. Nowhere in scripture are we permitted to sin, by stepping out of what the Lord has called us to do, in order for another “good” to be achieved. The marriage relationship was given to illustrate our relationship to God (Eph 5:32). When we step out of the roles the Lord has assigned for us, we paint for our children a warped picture of God and the church. I believe that is more harmful than not saying grace before a meal.
The question of course comes up “what does that look like in real life?” and while I have some over lying principles, I can’t identify Godly submission in each woman. Here, however, are a few guidelines I am learning the hard way:
- There are 3 things we can’t be for our husbands: the Holy Spirit, his teacher or his Mama.
- The Holy Spirit convicts of sin, sanctifies and grows good fruit. We can’t do any of that for our husbands. We can pray and stay out of the Holy Spirit’s way.
- Only a Godly man can teach our husbands to be Godly men. We need to pray that the Lord will bring Godly men into our husband’s lives, and then we need to be as accommodating as we can to encourage them to have regular “guy time.”
- Nagging only has 2 results: a. total shut down, or b. angry refusal. One of the best ways to NOT get what we want from our husbands is to pester them about it. If leading the family spiritually feels like cleaning his room as a boy every man will run from it.
I think, Fizz (can I call you Fizz?) that I would counsel you to step back for more than a few days. You may want to make a commitment to the Lord that you’re going to step back for a year. Commit to take that year to pray for your husband and to pray for yourself, and for your relationship as spouses and parents. You will give more glory to the Lord by being obedient through submission than by stepping in and doing tasks the Lord hasn’t asked you to do.
My husband says this: “First, you should know that I struggle daily with leading my family. For a Christian man not to lead his family is a sin, but you can’t correct that sin by committing the sin of taking the mantle of leadership on yourself. I suggest that you sit down with Gruff in a comfortable, loving way and confess to him that you have been sinning in taking the leadership on these things. Ask for his forgiveness, and tell him that you are stepping back. After doing all of that, then ask him if he would please take the step to lead. That’s going to be the most humbling part, but the really hard part is holding your tongue and not demanding anything after that. “
I would only add this to what Jonathan has said: try to find 3 things every day to thank your husband for, to encourage him in and to praise.
To quote Forest Gump: I think that’s all we have to say about that. Are you sorry you asked for clarification?
