Last week was the fifth anniversary of our miscarriage.
I don’t really know how to write this post. I just know that I want to.
There are moments in our life that are defining points; moments by which we mark our lives as “before” and “after”. These tend to be marriages, births, and deaths and for me and Jonathan, losing our first child is such a moment. It was the end of so much and the beginning of so much, and such a learning time that now, five years later, we’re still processing some of the things the Lord showed us in that brief six week period.
It was, indeed, the end of an earthly life. A few days after the miscarriage, I wrote:
“I thought of all the parents who wish they could just shield their children from pain, suffering and sin. I realized that I have a child who is permanently shielded from those things for eternity. It was the first time I realized that regardless of the earthly reality, I am a mother. The thought brings peace, and pain at the same time. How strange.”
It was also the end of all those years of wondering and praying. It was an end of an era of infertility for us. We didn’t know it when Jonathan painted this, but this loss was the gateway to more than we had even dared ask. I sit here, five years later, with a four year old, a two year old and a 4 month old. None of which replace the one we lost, but all of whom bring such joy. It is a reality so much more extravagant than I could have ever dreamed back then.
It was the end of so much, and the beginning of so much.
Of course, it was the beginning of our journey in parenthood, but it was also a beginning of our journey toward covanentalism and by extension toward seminary. It was the beginning of God moving us from an intellectual assent of God’s Sovereignty, to that truth living in our hearts, and informing everything, including our emotions.
And it was the beginning of this blog, which has been so much of a blessing to me.
Five years seems like a lifetime ago now, and in reality, it was four lifetimes ago. One of them very short, and the others still in process. In five years our lives have changed a lot: our address has changed several times, our professions have changed, and we’ve come to seminary. We’re very different people than we were back then, and the miscarriage has helped to make us the people we’ve become.